


tell me how vile I already know that I am

by bisexual-jace (mychemicalclifford)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Insecure Jace, Jace needs a hug, M/M, Seriously this is angsty, The Conversation That Should Have Happened, jalec - Freeform, post 2x10, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 00:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10400202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mychemicalclifford/pseuds/bisexual-jace
Summary: "I wish you would have told me. I don't know why you thought you couldn't.""You don't know how hard it is to say."...A conversation between Jace and Alec about feelings, the way it should have happened. Based on thisgifset





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to parabatailost on tumblr, the creator of this lovely [gifset](http://parabatailost.tumblr.com/post/158417188657/i-wasnt-made-like-that-im-not-gay-aka-the) which inspired this little fic. 
> 
> Beware of angst. And Jace & Alec addressing Alec's feelings how both the books and the show should have done. 
> 
> Enjoy!

He lies. He lies through his teeth.

It’s strange to think as intimate as Alec is with Jace’s soul, he doesn’t have the slightest clue when his parabatai is concealing the truth from him. Especially about _this_.

Jace hadn’t gone in to this conversation with the intent to lie. For the first time in far too long it seemed, he and Alec were having a real, honest talk about their feelings—no defensive walls in place, no skirting around from saying what they actually _needed_ to say to each other.

“I wish you would have told me.”

That’s how it starts. And Jace means that whole-heartedly. He stares at his parabatai seated across from him, his head bowed down as if even then he can’t meet Jace’s eyes. It wrenches Jace’s gut just like the first time he realized it for himself.

It came like a revelation, like something so clear he feels like a blind fool for not seeing it before. Jace can’t pinpoint what exactly made the pieces click together in his mind, if it was the telltale look in Alec’s eyes that he suddenly saw differently or maybe a comment Izzy made that caught his attention and finally made sense. Maybe it was nothing concrete at all. Maybe Jace just opened his eyes, at last, to what his parabatai had been harboring in his heart for so long.

_Alec is in love with me_. Jace got it and nothing had been the same ever since.

“I don’t know why you thought you couldn’t,” Jace continues, a wound not yet healed leaking into his voice. The selfish part of him thinks, _how could you keep this from me?_ The rest of him aches with the knowledge that Alec felt like he _had_ to. Like this was something that would change the way Jace saw him, as if he truly believed Jace could ever love him any less or any differently.

Like maybe he thought Jace’s love came with conditions, instead of being _infinite._

_I failed you,_ is Jace’s second thought. More than any reckless decision he had made in the past, more than the time his absence nearly cost Alec his life to bring him back. Somewhere along the line of their years of friendship and incomparable bond, Jace failed him without even noticing it. Because instead of nurturing the most important relationship in his life, Jace had left gaps open for doubt to creep in.

Alec raises his head only a fraction to look at him. His shoulders are curled in. It seemed to make him appear smaller despite his large, warrior size. Normally Jace saw Alec Lightwood as larger than life—fierce and unyielding in all the ways a Shadowhunter should be. But right then he just looked vulnerable.

“You don’t know how hard it is…to say,” Alec mutters quietly. His fingers skim over each other in his lap. “I suppose I just hoped you’d _feel_ it… so I wouldn’t have to say anything.”

He hadn’t felt it, not once in their years of being bound together. But that was because the sensation of their parabatai bond—of Jace’s link to Alec’s _soul_ —had felt the same as the day it was forged. It never shifted. Even when stretched taut or weakened, the same emotions that Jace associated with Alec stayed true.

_Love_. Warmth. Safety. Acceptance. That was Alec to him, his anchor in the storm, the only home he had ever really known. _Home_ was wherever his parabatai was.

Alec’s feelings for him had never tainted their bond, as one might think. Whether that was because they were always there or because Jace’s love for him was made of the same essence, who could say.

“I knew you loved me, Alec.” Jace tells him, leaning against the wall. “I felt that. Of course I felt that. I still do.” His eyes lock on Alec’s own and he doesn’t fight the shiver that runs down his back. “I just didn’t know _how_ you loved me.”

His parabatai is a liar as well. Jace knows from their talk that Alec had entered their parabatai ceremony knowing fully well of his love for him. Alec was aware that by signing that rune on to Jace’s skin and saying those vows he was also putting the possibility of _them_ to rest forever.

And he did it anyway. So the guilt that Jace feels trying to claw its way out of his throat, he can swallow it back down. There is no reason for Alec to question what Jace is going to tell him. More than that, there is no reason for Alec to know the _truth_.

_I’m in love with you too,_ was Jace’s last thought, his own revelation after the reveal of Alec’s feelings. _But I don’t deserve to have you_.

He loved Alec back. Figuring that out wasn’t the hard part. It seemed natural, effortless, for these new feelings to sprout up in him. Jace had always loved Alec, his best friend, his parabatai. It was only with Alec’s feelings coming to light that opened Jace’s heart to the possibility of _more_.

He could love Alec like that, too. It could be wonderful. It could be everything Jace had been taught to never want and everything he could ever need. Maybe. If he weren’t broken. If he were worthy of being loved by a man as honorable as Alec.  

Alec deserved better than him. He deserved the Head of the Institute position he had been groomed and worked so hard for. He deserved Magnus and the freedom to love without shame and without consequence. He deserved _happiness._

None of those things could Jace give him. Loving _him_ would only lead to a lifetime of misery, of hiding their forbidden relationship from the Clave and always looking over their shoulders without a moment of peace. Alec would risk everything and for what? Him? Jace would only ruin him, in every possible way.

He was the dark spot on Alec’s pristine record. Jace may not bleed demon blood, but he had more than enough of _hell_ inside his veins. He is every bit of the killer Valentine raised him to be, no matter how _noble_ his intentions.  Someone as good and as beautiful as Alec Lightwood should never be his. Jace couldn’t accept his heart knowing he was fated to break it.

They were never meant to be anything other than what they _are_.

So Jace lies to him, one last time.

“I’m happy for you and Magnus, because as much as I love you…” Jace pauses for breath, for strength, but pushes himself forward, “…and as much as I would do anything to make you happy, I wasn’t made like that. I’m not gay.”

His own tainted heart breaks at Alec’s small, careful nod. “I understand.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :-) This is just my interpretation of canon, of course. I always have to throw in Jace's feelings. That boy is full of them haha. Title comes from The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New - a perfect song for this fic. 
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://bisexual-jace.tumblr.com) <3


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